Know the Score
Many relationships are facing intense stress and anxiety over money issues. It seems that love and money have an important connection with couples. Perhaps your current relationship is feeling the impact of this connection now. How would you rate your relationship on a 1-10 love & money scale, where the first number is how loving and passionate your connection is and the second number is the degree to which you have mastered money concerns? For instance: a 10/10 would be the best of everything: you’re in intimate love and ecstatic passion with one another and you feel absolute financial certainty & freedom (where you don’t ever have to work, unless you want to, and you never have to worry about your bills being paid, since the steady returns from your secure and growing investments easily cover any expenses you could have).
Wouldn’t you guess that few of us could score such a 10/10 nirvana experience? This article is for the rest of us. Relationship is almost everything in life, since all of life is made up of relationship: with oneself, others, and one’s Source. Yet, money represents life force and investment of time and energy. In many ways we trade our life energy for money. So, we need to respect what goes in to making, protecting, and enjoying money and what it can do for others and us in the way of convenience, creativity, and contribution. So, what if I told you there are ways to improve in both love & money simultaneously?
Close the Gap
What makes us happy? Pleasure! Right (at least over the short-term)? Progress is what really makes us feel happy over the long term. In the love & money game of life, we have both practical and emotionally driven needs that must be met at high levels in order for us to feel like we are joyfully winning in a satisfying way. So, we shall look at both. To achieve progress in finances and relationship you must honestly know where you are, getting clear about where you want to be, and closing the gap between the two step-by-step. The gap gets reduced by removing what’s in the way, designing a workable plan, and taking proven action to hit your target. So, let’s take a look at what could be obstructing your passion and pocketbook, how to remove it, and how to use proven strategies that can realign your relationship with satisfying love and financial progress.
Give What They Need
Everyone has the emotional need for certainty, but one person in relationship may be more predominantly driven by it than another. How much of what you do, don’t do, or get anxious about, stems from your need to feel comfortable or stable (which are other ways to describe feeling certain)? Your need for certainty may be why you don’t change jobs, why you eat unhealthy “comfort” food, procrastinate, or watch way too much TV, none of which may be helping your bank account most effectively.
Each of us has different vehicles through which we meet our need for certainty. One may feel comfort from having a savings or retirement account; another may need to feel safe by having a particular level of income or type of job stability. Knowing what you and your partner need to feel comfortable is vital, because when you don’t feel certain enough, fear can dominate you and your passion will go out the window. Fear can bring difficulty to your communication, create disconnection, and threaten the very stability of your relationship. You may think, “The jerk doesn’t know how to communicate”, when in fact it may just be that he’s afraid. Understanding this can empower you to respond from compassion instead of reacting un-resourcefully. Then, together you will be in a better position to receive ideas, change perceptions, and take necessary or inspired action. As you do, watch how obstructing fears subside, passion increases, and creative ideas to improve your finances get acted on.
Each of us also has a need for loving connection, yet one partner could need this even more than their partner needs certainty. “We could be broke, but if I know we still love each other, I’ll be fine.” Sounds good on paper, but if the partner who has a dominant need for certainty feels out of control economically and thus withdraws affections, and the other partner primarily needs to feel loving connection but doesn’t, the relationship could become stressed to a breaking point over time.
One key to navigating such a love/money challenge is to seek to unselfishly give your partner what they most need, and to do it in a way that they resonate with. For example, provide the certainty they need by telling your mate that you will always be there for them and that you believe they have what it takes to work through their financial trials. In the other case, you might offer love & connection to your intimate other by getting out of your self-concern and giving them words of kindness, physical affection, thoughtful care and supportive actions. While this may not seem like it has much to do with money, consider the fact that studies have shown that sharing a passionate kiss with one’s honey before leaving for work has a considerable positive impact on the annual income of that household.
Having first sought to understand and meet your partner’s needs, it is also important to openly communicate what you need most, and it may be appropriate to ask for the help from both your partner and others. Partners that work together well can overcome huge things financially. In fact, abundance is ever-present. We just need to access it through positive expectation, willingness to bring unexpected & enthusiastic value to others (in ways that make them want more) and massive action using feedback along the way. You can read more about abundance, love, and money in my book, Being Love: 26 Keys to Experiencing Unconditional Love., available on Barnes and Noble and www.BeingLove.net
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Top-Selling Relationship Book Gives New Possibilities for Valentine's Day
Top-Selling Relationship Book Gives New Possibilities for Valentine's Day
Check out the above link to see the article that went to 30,000 journalists, and to preview chapters from Being Love!
Check out the above link to see the article that went to 30,000 journalists, and to preview chapters from Being Love!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Trust: The Key to a Successful Relationship
Joy and success in relationships are built on trust. Without trust, what’s really left? Certainly not fulfilling sex! Who and what you trust will have a great impact on the results of your intimate relationship and life. You can look at the quality of trust in your life from four different perspectives: How well you trust in your divine Source, how well you trust yourself, how well others trust you, and how well and wisely you trust others.
Trust the Supreme
Do you trust that a loving Power is caring for you and guiding you in every detail of your life? No doubt there is something beyond your mortal self and what you can see and touch—a divine Power that created everything and presently gives life to all things. You are included in the totality of this animating field of energy. The immensity of this Power and Presence ultimately governs the existence and movement of all things, including you. With this awareness, you have several choices each day. You can refuse to accept divine Love’s presence in your life, ignore or forget about it, or choose to progressively relax into it and be moved and blessed by it.
For a fresh approach, instead of thinking of God as an entity, it may be helpful for you to think in terms of qualities such as constancy, omnipotence, reliable Truth, comforting Love, all-knowing Mind, and eternal Life. Trust in such attributes is developed by seeking to understand, witness, and align with them.
Being able to actually trust the Presence is an amazing and wonderful feeling that stays with us always. One time I was saved while surfing in Hawaii during a severe storm by trusting in God’s care and protection for me. The powerful inter-island current shifted, and instead of being carried out to sea hundreds of miles, I was brought to land. Every time we shift from anxiety back into trust, our faith-capacity increases.
No matter what your intimate relationship looks like, you have the opportunity to know that you’re part of a much greater plan. Look for the bigger picture and seek to be part of the orchestration that is moving everyone involved, including you and your loved ones. In this way, you won’t have to make your problems and responsibilities bigger than Life itself, because they actually aren’t. Much like the mighty ocean currents, there is a divine flow that we can adjust to.
What we focus on, especially with emotional intensity, will tend to expand in our lives. By focusing on God’s infinitely powerful, tender nature and activity and living in alignment with principles of humility, truth, and love, we’ll tend to have less fear and doubt parading in front of us. We strengthen our trust in the Presence by making It our focus and priority. It is our spiritual design to trust Spirit, and it is the most natural thing to do when the ego- or fear-dominated obstructions to this trust are reduced or removed.
Divinity’s nature includes gentle kindness, tender compassion, powerful strength, constant discipline, perfect timing, abundant care, infinite goodness, spontaneous creativity, and so much more. Appreciate and embody these qualities and thereby overcome fear and confusion, while you expand the certainty of your trust in the Supreme.
Trust Yourself
Do you really trust yourself to follow through and keep promises with yourself? Do you stick to your values? Do you believe in your own empowered word to declare something and have it occur? You strengthen trust in yourself when you keep your word, have good motives, and live honestly. Say what you mean, do what you say, and then watch self-doubt subside and self-confidence rise. Having pure motives will also foster an untainted heart—the kind of heart that feels easy to trust.
Your inner voice will become clearer when it is not obstructed with motives, words, and actions that try to deceive others. We can fool some of the people some of the time, but we can never really fool ourselves in the long run. We know at a core level whether we’re practicing integrity. If there is any doubt, ask such questions as, “Was there a more honest way to say that?” “Was my motive unselfish?” or “Will I be glad I did this a year from now or at the end of my life?” Life is like an onion skin—there are a lot more layers of honesty than we think before we get to the pearl (progressive freedom and joy).
By everything you think, feel, say, or do, you’re contributing to either an atmosphere of trust or mistrust. When you know what to do and then do something else, you’ll likely feel weaker mentally, emotionally, physically, and/or spiritually.
Principles of integrity and self-trust apply equally to every area of life—spiritual practices, eating habits, exercise, education, workplace, and relationships. Ask yourself if your desired quality of relationship is worth enough for you to strengthen your self-trust. If yes, then go for it!
Do Others Trust You?
President Abraham Lincoln once rejected a man named as a potential cabinet member. When an aide asked why, Lincoln simply replied that he did not like the way the man looked. Being shocked, the aide stated that a man is not responsible for his appearance. Lincoln corrected him by saying that every man over the age of forty is responsible for the way he looks. Perhaps Lincoln sensed that a man’s face reflects his trustworthiness after years of motives, choices, and actions. Do you possess the qualities, motives, and actions that others can rely on? Are you loyal and believable? Does the way your face looks and the energy you broadcast create confidence in others? Do they move people toward love or fear?
The fact is that in the minds of others, you’re either trustworthy or not. There is no “kind of trustworthy.” If you’re up for the challenge, ask three people you know best how trustworthy they think you are on a scale of one to ten. Then, if you really feel bold, ask a couple of people who don’t like you very much or who aren’t close to you. Also ask why they feel the way they do and what you’d need to do differently to make your score a ten. The answers these people give you could be radically revealing. Others watch how you walk your talk and how you live your core values. They see if you do the hard or unselfish thing when you could take an easy way out. They (including children) even see you when you think they’re not watching. Is your life an example or a warning? No matter what you’ve done up until now, what will you do with the time you have left?
Your character is broadcasting a particular frequency level of trust. Ultimately, you are the one who creates the experience of trust that others give you by the quality of character you have, the motives you entertain, the states of being you display, and the choices you make. Who you have become is what others trust or mistrust. Hopefully this is encouraging to you. George Washington, the first one to be entrusted with the highest office in America, considered the most enviable of titles to be that of an “honest man.” What do you consider to be most worth going for in your life?
Trusting Others
Do others easily take advantage of you, or do you even know what makes them trustworthy or not? We don’t always see things as they are; we tend to see things as we are. Everyone sees life from her own perspective. The drug dealer thinks most people are into drugs or are criminals. The college professor believes that most people are or should be motivated by learning. The soccer mom believes that parents should actively support their kids’ interests. People who are trustworthy tend to believe that most others are too. People who are not trustworthy tend to believe that most others aren’t. Each perspective comes with benefits and costs, because not everyone we think is trustworthy actually is. But, to assume that nobody can be trusted would make for a very limited experience.
Inner wisdom will let you know whom you should not trust, if you give heed to the warning signs rather than ignore them. Think about painful relationship experiences in your past. Didn’t you receive caution flags before the emotionally climatic events? Right now you probably have new signals about with whom you should be in a relationship and from whom you need to separate. The important question is this: are you willing to separate from those you should, regardless of how invested you are with them? If a man tells you about some real estate business deals where he has stretched the line to make extra money, why should you trust his interactions with you? Given similar circumstances where he thinks he can secretly gain something at your expense, he might try the same type of thing with you!
You know people by their energy, motives, actions, communication, relationships with others, priorities, contributions, and experiences with you. Do they help build up and heal others, or do they impact them negatively? Do they find value and meaning in the same things you do? Do they support the best within you, or do they tear you down passively or aggressively? If you are a sovereign adult, you’re the one who gets to decide who to have relationships with, including your own relatives. Trust your pure insights; they can lead and protect you much more than you may realize.
Sometimes a limiting belief or untrue concept may keep you from trusting others, and this may have a hidden cost. Thoughts of past relationships may hold you back from exploring new opportunities. If you believe that all men cheat or that all women are needy, then you will operate your life on something that is simply not true. There are millions of men who don’t cheat and millions of women who are beautifully selfless givers. With your limiting beliefs, you will get to have your own private world where the beliefs are true for you. The question is: do such beliefs truly serve you and others? Do they allow you to live an abundant life filled with unlimited possibilities and amazing experiences?
There are times when we’re called by Spirit to trust others more. You may have someone in your life that, seen in the correct light, now deserves your trust. If you are looking for closer relationships, you’ll need to develop a deeper sense of trust and allow others to step into their greatness around you. This may include your willingness to open up and not be so afraid of getting hurt. Because we each operate based on our own values and rules, occasionally we let people down, and they let us down. Perhaps we need to get over it, revise our rules, and give others another opportunity to shine. Ask for their confidence, and give them yours one wise step at a time. Then check in honestly with the new results.
In my new book, Being Love: 26 Keys to Experiencing Unconditional Love (available on Amazon or www.LifeCoachMark.com, you can read more about how day presents you with growth opportunities to trust Divinity, trust yourself, wisely trust others, and expand trustworthiness in your progressive pathway to personal freedom and infinite Love.
Trust the Supreme
Do you trust that a loving Power is caring for you and guiding you in every detail of your life? No doubt there is something beyond your mortal self and what you can see and touch—a divine Power that created everything and presently gives life to all things. You are included in the totality of this animating field of energy. The immensity of this Power and Presence ultimately governs the existence and movement of all things, including you. With this awareness, you have several choices each day. You can refuse to accept divine Love’s presence in your life, ignore or forget about it, or choose to progressively relax into it and be moved and blessed by it.
For a fresh approach, instead of thinking of God as an entity, it may be helpful for you to think in terms of qualities such as constancy, omnipotence, reliable Truth, comforting Love, all-knowing Mind, and eternal Life. Trust in such attributes is developed by seeking to understand, witness, and align with them.
Being able to actually trust the Presence is an amazing and wonderful feeling that stays with us always. One time I was saved while surfing in Hawaii during a severe storm by trusting in God’s care and protection for me. The powerful inter-island current shifted, and instead of being carried out to sea hundreds of miles, I was brought to land. Every time we shift from anxiety back into trust, our faith-capacity increases.
No matter what your intimate relationship looks like, you have the opportunity to know that you’re part of a much greater plan. Look for the bigger picture and seek to be part of the orchestration that is moving everyone involved, including you and your loved ones. In this way, you won’t have to make your problems and responsibilities bigger than Life itself, because they actually aren’t. Much like the mighty ocean currents, there is a divine flow that we can adjust to.
What we focus on, especially with emotional intensity, will tend to expand in our lives. By focusing on God’s infinitely powerful, tender nature and activity and living in alignment with principles of humility, truth, and love, we’ll tend to have less fear and doubt parading in front of us. We strengthen our trust in the Presence by making It our focus and priority. It is our spiritual design to trust Spirit, and it is the most natural thing to do when the ego- or fear-dominated obstructions to this trust are reduced or removed.
Divinity’s nature includes gentle kindness, tender compassion, powerful strength, constant discipline, perfect timing, abundant care, infinite goodness, spontaneous creativity, and so much more. Appreciate and embody these qualities and thereby overcome fear and confusion, while you expand the certainty of your trust in the Supreme.
Trust Yourself
Do you really trust yourself to follow through and keep promises with yourself? Do you stick to your values? Do you believe in your own empowered word to declare something and have it occur? You strengthen trust in yourself when you keep your word, have good motives, and live honestly. Say what you mean, do what you say, and then watch self-doubt subside and self-confidence rise. Having pure motives will also foster an untainted heart—the kind of heart that feels easy to trust.
Your inner voice will become clearer when it is not obstructed with motives, words, and actions that try to deceive others. We can fool some of the people some of the time, but we can never really fool ourselves in the long run. We know at a core level whether we’re practicing integrity. If there is any doubt, ask such questions as, “Was there a more honest way to say that?” “Was my motive unselfish?” or “Will I be glad I did this a year from now or at the end of my life?” Life is like an onion skin—there are a lot more layers of honesty than we think before we get to the pearl (progressive freedom and joy).
By everything you think, feel, say, or do, you’re contributing to either an atmosphere of trust or mistrust. When you know what to do and then do something else, you’ll likely feel weaker mentally, emotionally, physically, and/or spiritually.
Principles of integrity and self-trust apply equally to every area of life—spiritual practices, eating habits, exercise, education, workplace, and relationships. Ask yourself if your desired quality of relationship is worth enough for you to strengthen your self-trust. If yes, then go for it!
Do Others Trust You?
President Abraham Lincoln once rejected a man named as a potential cabinet member. When an aide asked why, Lincoln simply replied that he did not like the way the man looked. Being shocked, the aide stated that a man is not responsible for his appearance. Lincoln corrected him by saying that every man over the age of forty is responsible for the way he looks. Perhaps Lincoln sensed that a man’s face reflects his trustworthiness after years of motives, choices, and actions. Do you possess the qualities, motives, and actions that others can rely on? Are you loyal and believable? Does the way your face looks and the energy you broadcast create confidence in others? Do they move people toward love or fear?
The fact is that in the minds of others, you’re either trustworthy or not. There is no “kind of trustworthy.” If you’re up for the challenge, ask three people you know best how trustworthy they think you are on a scale of one to ten. Then, if you really feel bold, ask a couple of people who don’t like you very much or who aren’t close to you. Also ask why they feel the way they do and what you’d need to do differently to make your score a ten. The answers these people give you could be radically revealing. Others watch how you walk your talk and how you live your core values. They see if you do the hard or unselfish thing when you could take an easy way out. They (including children) even see you when you think they’re not watching. Is your life an example or a warning? No matter what you’ve done up until now, what will you do with the time you have left?
Your character is broadcasting a particular frequency level of trust. Ultimately, you are the one who creates the experience of trust that others give you by the quality of character you have, the motives you entertain, the states of being you display, and the choices you make. Who you have become is what others trust or mistrust. Hopefully this is encouraging to you. George Washington, the first one to be entrusted with the highest office in America, considered the most enviable of titles to be that of an “honest man.” What do you consider to be most worth going for in your life?
Trusting Others
Do others easily take advantage of you, or do you even know what makes them trustworthy or not? We don’t always see things as they are; we tend to see things as we are. Everyone sees life from her own perspective. The drug dealer thinks most people are into drugs or are criminals. The college professor believes that most people are or should be motivated by learning. The soccer mom believes that parents should actively support their kids’ interests. People who are trustworthy tend to believe that most others are too. People who are not trustworthy tend to believe that most others aren’t. Each perspective comes with benefits and costs, because not everyone we think is trustworthy actually is. But, to assume that nobody can be trusted would make for a very limited experience.
Inner wisdom will let you know whom you should not trust, if you give heed to the warning signs rather than ignore them. Think about painful relationship experiences in your past. Didn’t you receive caution flags before the emotionally climatic events? Right now you probably have new signals about with whom you should be in a relationship and from whom you need to separate. The important question is this: are you willing to separate from those you should, regardless of how invested you are with them? If a man tells you about some real estate business deals where he has stretched the line to make extra money, why should you trust his interactions with you? Given similar circumstances where he thinks he can secretly gain something at your expense, he might try the same type of thing with you!
You know people by their energy, motives, actions, communication, relationships with others, priorities, contributions, and experiences with you. Do they help build up and heal others, or do they impact them negatively? Do they find value and meaning in the same things you do? Do they support the best within you, or do they tear you down passively or aggressively? If you are a sovereign adult, you’re the one who gets to decide who to have relationships with, including your own relatives. Trust your pure insights; they can lead and protect you much more than you may realize.
Sometimes a limiting belief or untrue concept may keep you from trusting others, and this may have a hidden cost. Thoughts of past relationships may hold you back from exploring new opportunities. If you believe that all men cheat or that all women are needy, then you will operate your life on something that is simply not true. There are millions of men who don’t cheat and millions of women who are beautifully selfless givers. With your limiting beliefs, you will get to have your own private world where the beliefs are true for you. The question is: do such beliefs truly serve you and others? Do they allow you to live an abundant life filled with unlimited possibilities and amazing experiences?
There are times when we’re called by Spirit to trust others more. You may have someone in your life that, seen in the correct light, now deserves your trust. If you are looking for closer relationships, you’ll need to develop a deeper sense of trust and allow others to step into their greatness around you. This may include your willingness to open up and not be so afraid of getting hurt. Because we each operate based on our own values and rules, occasionally we let people down, and they let us down. Perhaps we need to get over it, revise our rules, and give others another opportunity to shine. Ask for their confidence, and give them yours one wise step at a time. Then check in honestly with the new results.
In my new book, Being Love: 26 Keys to Experiencing Unconditional Love (available on Amazon or www.LifeCoachMark.com, you can read more about how day presents you with growth opportunities to trust Divinity, trust yourself, wisely trust others, and expand trustworthiness in your progressive pathway to personal freedom and infinite Love.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Listening For Intimacy
Several years ago a woman called me to get some help on her marriage. After a couple of sessions her husband agreed to come for couples coaching. On the calls it seemed like neither partner practiced listening to the other one effectively. Because of this, neither one felt understood, so conflict seemed to be the way they showed each other that their needs were going unmet. I asked them questions, such as: “Do you know what makes him feel disrespected? Did you ever ask her what she most wants or needs from you? Do you know why it’s important for her to talk about her work?” These questions allowed the couple to access their own inner wisdom, and they realized how much better they could listen to and understand one another. Over a period of several weeks they began to hear and feel one another again, and this simple shift was enough to save their marriage.
Deep listening is an amazing gift to give, and it carries with it a powerful benefit—heartfelt connection. The root of communication means to commune, to be at one with another. One of the most satisfying things about being in a conscious relationship is that we can both speak and feel understood.
In conversation, do you perceive another’s pain, desires, needs, and values? Do you regularly hold a space for others to express their thoughts and emotions or help them discover their truth and inner guidance? If you do, you are likely supporting them toward a greater sense of meaning, love, and healing. People who feel listened to are more willing to be vulnerable, which invites deeper levels of honesty, sharing, and intimacy.
How would you rate the mastery of your listening ability on a scale from one to ten? Have you recently brought tears of love to another just because you made them feel understood? If not, let’s look at a few aspects that can support your listening skills and quality of relationships.
Listen with Presence
To be an outstanding listener, we must give the other person our full attention and interest as if nothing else but him or her matters at that moment. If you would rather be somewhere else or with someone else, the other person will energetically feel it at some level and in that degree disconnect from you. Distracted listening fosters frustration, disrespect, and confusion. Your loving consideration can make that person feel significant, help him to get clear, allow him to connect to his emotions, and discover what he truly believes, values, desires, and fears. Such awareness can allow him to make more workable choices.
Do others feel your love when you are listening? If not, try listening with every cell in your body and not just with your ears. Don’t just hear the words but feel them with your heart or better yet with your entire body as if it was a sponge soaking up the expressions of another.
Listen for Essence
Although it’s extremely important to accurately hear the content of what someone says to us, it is often significantly more important to receive the essence of what’s being said. Essence includes, but is not limited to, the silence between the words; tone of voice, inflection, and genuineness; repeated or emphasized ideas; emotions; why something is being said; and what’s being left out. Essence is around, underneath, and inside the energy of the words.
When your heart is open, you’ll perceive what is being expressed at the heart of another’s words. Seek to understand the feelings, beliefs, needs, fears, pain, and yearnings of the ones you care about. When you perceive that someone is trying to communicate more than he is saying, if appropriate, be willing to ask questions that help to clarify your knowingness. “What I sense you are getting at is …” or “What else do you feel about that?” Then allow the other person the space to discover and reveal deeper levels of his heart and mind. How many times in relationship have you argued with someone about one thing, and when you stopped and truly listened, you realized that it wasn’t even the real issue? Instead of making assumptions as if you already know what the other person is thinking and what their motives and needs are, simply ask.
It will also help you to be aware of the context surrounding another’s words. His context includes the location and conditions from where he is speaking (airport, bedroom, car, with company, etc.) as well as what has gone on or is going on in his life (he started a new relationship, is moving or switching jobs, or has an ill mother). Context and emotion greatly impact what’s actually being shared and why. If you get people’s context and motivation, they’ll feel moved by the way you pay attention.
Ask Powerful Questions
Here are some questions to ask in order to more fully understand the heart of your child, partner, friend, relative, or coworker:
1. What is most important to him right now?
2. What does she yearn for or dream about?
3. What inspires or energizes him, and what takes his energy away?
4. What is her greatest fear, pain, or wound?
5. Why is he experiencing the emotions he is?
6. What allows her to feel safe, and what causes her to close down?
7. What is his pattern when he is scared, tired, or overwhelmed?
8. What restores her, makes her feel easier, or brings her peace?
9. What is his communication style (i.e., visual, auditory, and/or kinesthetic)?
10. What makes her feel most loved (words of appreciation, gifts, quality time given to them, touch, understanding)?
Finally, have fun listening! The quality of your energy is the most important thing you give in communication. You can read about other aspects of listening in my new book: Being Love: 26 Keys to Experiencing Unconditional Love, available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.
Deep listening is an amazing gift to give, and it carries with it a powerful benefit—heartfelt connection. The root of communication means to commune, to be at one with another. One of the most satisfying things about being in a conscious relationship is that we can both speak and feel understood.
In conversation, do you perceive another’s pain, desires, needs, and values? Do you regularly hold a space for others to express their thoughts and emotions or help them discover their truth and inner guidance? If you do, you are likely supporting them toward a greater sense of meaning, love, and healing. People who feel listened to are more willing to be vulnerable, which invites deeper levels of honesty, sharing, and intimacy.
How would you rate the mastery of your listening ability on a scale from one to ten? Have you recently brought tears of love to another just because you made them feel understood? If not, let’s look at a few aspects that can support your listening skills and quality of relationships.
Listen with Presence
To be an outstanding listener, we must give the other person our full attention and interest as if nothing else but him or her matters at that moment. If you would rather be somewhere else or with someone else, the other person will energetically feel it at some level and in that degree disconnect from you. Distracted listening fosters frustration, disrespect, and confusion. Your loving consideration can make that person feel significant, help him to get clear, allow him to connect to his emotions, and discover what he truly believes, values, desires, and fears. Such awareness can allow him to make more workable choices.
Do others feel your love when you are listening? If not, try listening with every cell in your body and not just with your ears. Don’t just hear the words but feel them with your heart or better yet with your entire body as if it was a sponge soaking up the expressions of another.
Listen for Essence
Although it’s extremely important to accurately hear the content of what someone says to us, it is often significantly more important to receive the essence of what’s being said. Essence includes, but is not limited to, the silence between the words; tone of voice, inflection, and genuineness; repeated or emphasized ideas; emotions; why something is being said; and what’s being left out. Essence is around, underneath, and inside the energy of the words.
When your heart is open, you’ll perceive what is being expressed at the heart of another’s words. Seek to understand the feelings, beliefs, needs, fears, pain, and yearnings of the ones you care about. When you perceive that someone is trying to communicate more than he is saying, if appropriate, be willing to ask questions that help to clarify your knowingness. “What I sense you are getting at is …” or “What else do you feel about that?” Then allow the other person the space to discover and reveal deeper levels of his heart and mind. How many times in relationship have you argued with someone about one thing, and when you stopped and truly listened, you realized that it wasn’t even the real issue? Instead of making assumptions as if you already know what the other person is thinking and what their motives and needs are, simply ask.
It will also help you to be aware of the context surrounding another’s words. His context includes the location and conditions from where he is speaking (airport, bedroom, car, with company, etc.) as well as what has gone on or is going on in his life (he started a new relationship, is moving or switching jobs, or has an ill mother). Context and emotion greatly impact what’s actually being shared and why. If you get people’s context and motivation, they’ll feel moved by the way you pay attention.
Ask Powerful Questions
Here are some questions to ask in order to more fully understand the heart of your child, partner, friend, relative, or coworker:
1. What is most important to him right now?
2. What does she yearn for or dream about?
3. What inspires or energizes him, and what takes his energy away?
4. What is her greatest fear, pain, or wound?
5. Why is he experiencing the emotions he is?
6. What allows her to feel safe, and what causes her to close down?
7. What is his pattern when he is scared, tired, or overwhelmed?
8. What restores her, makes her feel easier, or brings her peace?
9. What is his communication style (i.e., visual, auditory, and/or kinesthetic)?
10. What makes her feel most loved (words of appreciation, gifts, quality time given to them, touch, understanding)?
Finally, have fun listening! The quality of your energy is the most important thing you give in communication. You can read about other aspects of listening in my new book: Being Love: 26 Keys to Experiencing Unconditional Love, available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
5 Ways to Find More Certainty
Things are changing faster than anytime in history, and the world seems filled with uncertainty. Perhaps you've recently had moments of unease, anxiety, or tension. There are five ways to feel more in control of your life and destiny.
1) Stack past references: you've had times where you've mastered something difficult, took a courageous step and gained confidence, or gotten a victory over a fear. Emotionally connect with those positive times and stack them together to empower your level of certainty that you can face whatever is in front of you now.
2) Get information: uncertainty is largely based on the unknown, and by getting more information you reduce or eliminate the unknowns. There are millions of ways to find out more, including asking others.
3) Model success: many of the most successful people modeled resourceful patterns of other successful people. You can save yourself a lifetime of trial and error just by doing this.
4) See/feel/pre-live it: Visualize it, feel how you would be as if the positive event or way of being has already happened for you. The discipline is to live in this great feeling space until the fruition comes. The point is that you're always living in some space, so which one will give you the best results?
5) Take direct action: First you must move your thought in a new way, then move your body by doing what is directly required to be/do/have what's in your heart. This is one of the best ways to eliminate fear, gain a powerful sense of identity, and discover what's possible.
Life is short, play with all you have and enjoy the ride!
1) Stack past references: you've had times where you've mastered something difficult, took a courageous step and gained confidence, or gotten a victory over a fear. Emotionally connect with those positive times and stack them together to empower your level of certainty that you can face whatever is in front of you now.
2) Get information: uncertainty is largely based on the unknown, and by getting more information you reduce or eliminate the unknowns. There are millions of ways to find out more, including asking others.
3) Model success: many of the most successful people modeled resourceful patterns of other successful people. You can save yourself a lifetime of trial and error just by doing this.
4) See/feel/pre-live it: Visualize it, feel how you would be as if the positive event or way of being has already happened for you. The discipline is to live in this great feeling space until the fruition comes. The point is that you're always living in some space, so which one will give you the best results?
5) Take direct action: First you must move your thought in a new way, then move your body by doing what is directly required to be/do/have what's in your heart. This is one of the best ways to eliminate fear, gain a powerful sense of identity, and discover what's possible.
Life is short, play with all you have and enjoy the ride!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Questions to Change Your Life
In response to several requests from clients and friends, here are daily questions you can ask yourself or better yet briefly journal about to bring more meaning, progress, and fulfillment to your life:
1. What do I intend for today?
2. What guidance am I grateful for today?
3. How have I contributed and connected today?
4. What experience or achievement today has blessed others or me?
5. What have I learned today?
6. What worked today? What didn’t and what could I do better next time?
7. What did I enjoy most today?
8. Powerful Question: ask something that you want the answer to, something that makes you feel better just by asking it. E.g.: “What is the best way to resolve the way I’m feeling about my boss?”
Remember, what gets measured and recorded gets attention and progress. May these questions be supportive to you and those you love! Feel free to email the positive results you feel.
1. What do I intend for today?
2. What guidance am I grateful for today?
3. How have I contributed and connected today?
4. What experience or achievement today has blessed others or me?
5. What have I learned today?
6. What worked today? What didn’t and what could I do better next time?
7. What did I enjoy most today?
8. Powerful Question: ask something that you want the answer to, something that makes you feel better just by asking it. E.g.: “What is the best way to resolve the way I’m feeling about my boss?”
Remember, what gets measured and recorded gets attention and progress. May these questions be supportive to you and those you love! Feel free to email the positive results you feel.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
5 Tips to Keeping Your New Year’s Resolution
Clarify a Compelling Vision:
• What do you most want to experience or achieve? This is your target and clarity will help you focus, whether your resolution has to do with your physical body, relationships & family, career, finances, emotions, or spiritual pathway.
• Get specific & emotionally connect with your desired result. Bring it into the present by visualizing & feeling it as if it has already happened.
• Who would you be and how would you relate to others when you’ve achieved what you’re going for? Start being this.
• When is your celebration date, and how will you reward yourself?
Feel your Purpose:
• This is your fuel, and what will allow you to overcome obstacles & distractions, keep going and feel passion while making progress. Most people quit because they don’t have powerful enough reasons? When reasons are greater than obstacles, you’ll get it done no matter what.
• Why do you really want this goal?
• What would it do for you and others?
• Is there a higher purpose for it? Walt Disney wanted to build a place for his girls to enjoy.
• What would make it a must for you or make you unstoppable?
Write a Winnable Action Plan:
• What steps could you take to hit your target or create experience that’s in your heart?
• What ideas, resources, people and environment are available to support your progress?
• Who could you model that’s already done it?
• What’s helped you succeed in the past, and how could you employ those patterns again?
• What’s the biggest thing standing in your way and what could you do differently this time?
Take Consistent Action:
• After writing your plan immediately, do something towards achieving it to build momentum.
• Taking action in the direction of your dreams expands your capacities, improves your confidence & certainty, opens doors, and makes it easier to take action again.
• Schedule your resolution time and it will more likely happen. This is what will replace your wishbone with some backbone.
• Understand your priorities: 20% of your efforts tend to give you 80% of your results. Do 20%’ers first and watch how fulfilled you become.
Measure your Results & Celebrate:
• What gets measured gets attention; what gets attention gets results. The more often something gets measured the better the results tend to be. The feedback you’re getting will allow you to adjust either of both of two things: your perceptions or strategy.
• Accountability works: with a Coach, spreadsheet, or reliable friend. The real question is: what could you put in place that will support you taking action consistently?
• Celebrate your progress! Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the ride, and reward yourself for your efforts. By doing so, you’ll have a positive association for them.
© 2010 by LifeCoachMark.com & Mark J. Petroff, LLC
• What do you most want to experience or achieve? This is your target and clarity will help you focus, whether your resolution has to do with your physical body, relationships & family, career, finances, emotions, or spiritual pathway.
• Get specific & emotionally connect with your desired result. Bring it into the present by visualizing & feeling it as if it has already happened.
• Who would you be and how would you relate to others when you’ve achieved what you’re going for? Start being this.
• When is your celebration date, and how will you reward yourself?
Feel your Purpose:
• This is your fuel, and what will allow you to overcome obstacles & distractions, keep going and feel passion while making progress. Most people quit because they don’t have powerful enough reasons? When reasons are greater than obstacles, you’ll get it done no matter what.
• Why do you really want this goal?
• What would it do for you and others?
• Is there a higher purpose for it? Walt Disney wanted to build a place for his girls to enjoy.
• What would make it a must for you or make you unstoppable?
Write a Winnable Action Plan:
• What steps could you take to hit your target or create experience that’s in your heart?
• What ideas, resources, people and environment are available to support your progress?
• Who could you model that’s already done it?
• What’s helped you succeed in the past, and how could you employ those patterns again?
• What’s the biggest thing standing in your way and what could you do differently this time?
Take Consistent Action:
• After writing your plan immediately, do something towards achieving it to build momentum.
• Taking action in the direction of your dreams expands your capacities, improves your confidence & certainty, opens doors, and makes it easier to take action again.
• Schedule your resolution time and it will more likely happen. This is what will replace your wishbone with some backbone.
• Understand your priorities: 20% of your efforts tend to give you 80% of your results. Do 20%’ers first and watch how fulfilled you become.
Measure your Results & Celebrate:
• What gets measured gets attention; what gets attention gets results. The more often something gets measured the better the results tend to be. The feedback you’re getting will allow you to adjust either of both of two things: your perceptions or strategy.
• Accountability works: with a Coach, spreadsheet, or reliable friend. The real question is: what could you put in place that will support you taking action consistently?
• Celebrate your progress! Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the ride, and reward yourself for your efforts. By doing so, you’ll have a positive association for them.
© 2010 by LifeCoachMark.com & Mark J. Petroff, LLC
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