Trust: The Key to a Successful Relationship

Joy and success in relationships are built on trust. Without trust, what’s really left? Certainly not fulfilling sex! Who and what you trust will have a great impact on the results of your intimate relationship and life. You can look at the quality of trust in your life from four different perspectives: How well you trust in your divine Source, how well you trust yourself, how well others trust you, and how well and wisely you trust others.

Trust the Supreme
Do you trust that a loving Power is caring for you and guiding you in every detail of your life? No doubt there is something beyond your mortal self and what you can see and touch—a divine Power that created everything and presently gives life to all things. You are included in the totality of this animating field of energy. The immensity of this Power and Presence ultimately governs the existence and movement of all things, including you. With this awareness, you have several choices each day. You can refuse to accept divine Love’s presence in your life, ignore or forget about it, or choose to progressively relax into it and be moved and blessed by it.

For a fresh approach, instead of thinking of God as an entity, it may be helpful for you to think in terms of qualities such as constancy, omnipotence, reliable Truth, comforting Love, all-knowing Mind, and eternal Life. Trust in such attributes is developed by seeking to understand, witness, and align with them.

Being able to actually trust the Presence is an amazing and wonderful feeling that stays with us always. One time I was saved while surfing in Hawaii during a severe storm by trusting in God’s care and protection for me. The powerful inter-island current shifted, and instead of being carried out to sea hundreds of miles, I was brought to land. Every time we shift from anxiety back into trust, our faith-capacity increases.

No matter what your intimate relationship looks like, you have the opportunity to know that you’re part of a much greater plan. Look for the bigger picture and seek to be part of the orchestration that is moving everyone involved, including you and your loved ones. In this way, you won’t have to make your problems and responsibilities bigger than Life itself, because they actually aren’t. Much like the mighty ocean currents, there is a divine flow that we can adjust to.

What we focus on, especially with emotional intensity, will tend to expand in our lives. By focusing on God’s infinitely powerful, tender nature and activity and living in alignment with principles of humility, truth, and love, we’ll tend to have less fear and doubt parading in front of us. We strengthen our trust in the Presence by making It our focus and priority. It is our spiritual design to trust Spirit, and it is the most natural thing to do when the ego- or fear-dominated obstructions to this trust are reduced or removed.

Divinity’s nature includes gentle kindness, tender compassion, powerful strength, constant discipline, perfect timing, abundant care, infinite goodness, spontaneous creativity, and so much more. Appreciate and embody these qualities and thereby overcome fear and confusion, while you expand the certainty of your trust in the Supreme.

Trust Yourself
Do you really trust yourself to follow through and keep promises with yourself? Do you stick to your values? Do you believe in your own empowered word to declare something and have it occur? You strengthen trust in yourself when you keep your word, have good motives, and live honestly. Say what you mean, do what you say, and then watch self-doubt subside and self-confidence rise. Having pure motives will also foster an untainted heart—the kind of heart that feels easy to trust.

Your inner voice will become clearer when it is not obstructed with motives, words, and actions that try to deceive others. We can fool some of the people some of the time, but we can never really fool ourselves in the long run. We know at a core level whether we’re practicing integrity. If there is any doubt, ask such questions as, “Was there a more honest way to say that?” “Was my motive unselfish?” or “Will I be glad I did this a year from now or at the end of my life?” Life is like an onion skin—there are a lot more layers of honesty than we think before we get to the pearl (progressive freedom and joy).

By everything you think, feel, say, or do, you’re contributing to either an atmosphere of trust or mistrust. When you know what to do and then do something else, you’ll likely feel weaker mentally, emotionally, physically, and/or spiritually.

Principles of integrity and self-trust apply equally to every area of life—spiritual practices, eating habits, exercise, education, workplace, and relationships. Ask yourself if your desired quality of relationship is worth enough for you to strengthen your self-trust. If yes, then go for it!

Do Others Trust You?
President Abraham Lincoln once rejected a man named as a potential cabinet member. When an aide asked why, Lincoln simply replied that he did not like the way the man looked. Being shocked, the aide stated that a man is not responsible for his appearance. Lincoln corrected him by saying that every man over the age of forty is responsible for the way he looks. Perhaps Lincoln sensed that a man’s face reflects his trustworthiness after years of motives, choices, and actions. Do you possess the qualities, motives, and actions that others can rely on? Are you loyal and believable? Does the way your face looks and the energy you broadcast create confidence in others? Do they move people toward love or fear?

The fact is that in the minds of others, you’re either trustworthy or not. There is no “kind of trustworthy.” If you’re up for the challenge, ask three people you know best how trustworthy they think you are on a scale of one to ten. Then, if you really feel bold, ask a couple of people who don’t like you very much or who aren’t close to you. Also ask why they feel the way they do and what you’d need to do differently to make your score a ten. The answers these people give you could be radically revealing. Others watch how you walk your talk and how you live your core values. They see if you do the hard or unselfish thing when you could take an easy way out. They (including children) even see you when you think they’re not watching. Is your life an example or a warning? No matter what you’ve done up until now, what will you do with the time you have left?

Your character is broadcasting a particular frequency level of trust. Ultimately, you are the one who creates the experience of trust that others give you by the quality of character you have, the motives you entertain, the states of being you display, and the choices you make. Who you have become is what others trust or mistrust. Hopefully this is encouraging to you. George Washington, the first one to be entrusted with the highest office in America, considered the most enviable of titles to be that of an “honest man.” What do you consider to be most worth going for in your life?

Trusting Others
Do others easily take advantage of you, or do you even know what makes them trustworthy or not? We don’t always see things as they are; we tend to see things as we are. Everyone sees life from her own perspective. The drug dealer thinks most people are into drugs or are criminals. The college professor believes that most people are or should be motivated by learning. The soccer mom believes that parents should actively support their kids’ interests. People who are trustworthy tend to believe that most others are too. People who are not trustworthy tend to believe that most others aren’t. Each perspective comes with benefits and costs, because not everyone we think is trustworthy actually is. But, to assume that nobody can be trusted would make for a very limited experience.

Inner wisdom will let you know whom you should not trust, if you give heed to the warning signs rather than ignore them. Think about painful relationship experiences in your past. Didn’t you receive caution flags before the emotionally climatic events? Right now you probably have new signals about with whom you should be in a relationship and from whom you need to separate. The important question is this: are you willing to separate from those you should, regardless of how invested you are with them? If a man tells you about some real estate business deals where he has stretched the line to make extra money, why should you trust his interactions with you? Given similar circumstances where he thinks he can secretly gain something at your expense, he might try the same type of thing with you!

You know people by their energy, motives, actions, communication, relationships with others, priorities, contributions, and experiences with you. Do they help build up and heal others, or do they impact them negatively? Do they find value and meaning in the same things you do? Do they support the best within you, or do they tear you down passively or aggressively? If you are a sovereign adult, you’re the one who gets to decide who to have relationships with, including your own relatives. Trust your pure insights; they can lead and protect you much more than you may realize.

Sometimes a limiting belief or untrue concept may keep you from trusting others, and this may have a hidden cost. Thoughts of past relationships may hold you back from exploring new opportunities. If you believe that all men cheat or that all women are needy, then you will operate your life on something that is simply not true. There are millions of men who don’t cheat and millions of women who are beautifully selfless givers. With your limiting beliefs, you will get to have your own private world where the beliefs are true for you. The question is: do such beliefs truly serve you and others? Do they allow you to live an abundant life filled with unlimited possibilities and amazing experiences?

There are times when we’re called by Spirit to trust others more. You may have someone in your life that, seen in the correct light, now deserves your trust. If you are looking for closer relationships, you’ll need to develop a deeper sense of trust and allow others to step into their greatness around you. This may include your willingness to open up and not be so afraid of getting hurt. Because we each operate based on our own values and rules, occasionally we let people down, and they let us down. Perhaps we need to get over it, revise our rules, and give others another opportunity to shine. Ask for their confidence, and give them yours one wise step at a time. Then check in honestly with the new results.

In my new book, Being Love: 26 Keys to Experiencing Unconditional Love (available on Amazon or www.LifeCoachMark.com, you can read more about how day presents you with growth opportunities to trust Divinity, trust yourself, wisely trust others, and expand trustworthiness in your progressive pathway to personal freedom and infinite Love.

Listening For Intimacy

Several years ago a woman called me to get some help on her marriage. After a couple of sessions her husband agreed to come for couples coaching. On the calls it seemed like neither partner practiced listening to the other one effectively. Because of this, neither one felt understood, so conflict seemed to be the way they showed each other that their needs were going unmet. I asked them questions, such as: “Do you know what makes him feel disrespected? Did you ever ask her what she most wants or needs from you? Do you know why it’s important for her to talk about her work?” These questions allowed the couple to access their own inner wisdom, and they realized how much better they could listen to and understand one another. Over a period of several weeks they began to hear and feel one another again, and this simple shift was enough to save their marriage.

Deep listening is an amazing gift to give, and it carries with it a powerful benefit—heartfelt connection. The root of communication means to commune, to be at one with another. One of the most satisfying things about being in a conscious relationship is that we can both speak and feel understood.

In conversation, do you perceive another’s pain, desires, needs, and values? Do you regularly hold a space for others to express their thoughts and emotions or help them discover their truth and inner guidance? If you do, you are likely supporting them toward a greater sense of meaning, love, and healing. People who feel listened to are more willing to be vulnerable, which invites deeper levels of honesty, sharing, and intimacy.

How would you rate the mastery of your listening ability on a scale from one to ten? Have you recently brought tears of love to another just because you made them feel understood? If not, let’s look at a few aspects that can support your listening skills and quality of relationships.

Listen with Presence
To be an outstanding listener, we must give the other person our full attention and interest as if nothing else but him or her matters at that moment. If you would rather be somewhere else or with someone else, the other person will energetically feel it at some level and in that degree disconnect from you. Distracted listening fosters frustration, disrespect, and confusion. Your loving consideration can make that person feel significant, help him to get clear, allow him to connect to his emotions, and discover what he truly believes, values, desires, and fears. Such awareness can allow him to make more workable choices.
Do others feel your love when you are listening? If not, try listening with every cell in your body and not just with your ears. Don’t just hear the words but feel them with your heart or better yet with your entire body as if it was a sponge soaking up the expressions of another.

Listen for Essence
Although it’s extremely important to accurately hear the content of what someone says to us, it is often significantly more important to receive the essence of what’s being said. Essence includes, but is not limited to, the silence between the words; tone of voice, inflection, and genuineness; repeated or emphasized ideas; emotions; why something is being said; and what’s being left out. Essence is around, underneath, and inside the energy of the words.

When your heart is open, you’ll perceive what is being expressed at the heart of another’s words. Seek to understand the feelings, beliefs, needs, fears, pain, and yearnings of the ones you care about. When you perceive that someone is trying to communicate more than he is saying, if appropriate, be willing to ask questions that help to clarify your knowingness. “What I sense you are getting at is …” or “What else do you feel about that?” Then allow the other person the space to discover and reveal deeper levels of his heart and mind. How many times in relationship have you argued with someone about one thing, and when you stopped and truly listened, you realized that it wasn’t even the real issue? Instead of making assumptions as if you already know what the other person is thinking and what their motives and needs are, simply ask.

It will also help you to be aware of the context surrounding another’s words. His context includes the location and conditions from where he is speaking (airport, bedroom, car, with company, etc.) as well as what has gone on or is going on in his life (he started a new relationship, is moving or switching jobs, or has an ill mother). Context and emotion greatly impact what’s actually being shared and why. If you get people’s context and motivation, they’ll feel moved by the way you pay attention.

Ask Powerful Questions
Here are some questions to ask in order to more fully understand the heart of your child, partner, friend, relative, or coworker:

1. What is most important to him right now?
2. What does she yearn for or dream about?
3. What inspires or energizes him, and what takes his energy away?
4. What is her greatest fear, pain, or wound?
5. Why is he experiencing the emotions he is?
6. What allows her to feel safe, and what causes her to close down?
7. What is his pattern when he is scared, tired, or overwhelmed?
8. What restores her, makes her feel easier, or brings her peace?
9. What is his communication style (i.e., visual, auditory, and/or kinesthetic)?
10. What makes her feel most loved (words of appreciation, gifts, quality time given to them, touch, understanding)?

Finally, have fun listening! The quality of your energy is the most important thing you give in communication. You can read about other aspects of listening in my new book: Being Love: 26 Keys to Experiencing Unconditional Love, available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.