Know the Score
Many relationships are facing intense stress and anxiety over money issues. It seems that love and money have an important connection with couples. Perhaps your current relationship is feeling the impact of this connection now. How would you rate your relationship on a 1-10 love & money scale, where the first number is how loving and passionate your connection is and the second number is the degree to which you have mastered money concerns? For instance: a 10/10 would be the best of everything: you’re in intimate love and ecstatic passion with one another and you feel absolute financial certainty & freedom (where you don’t ever have to work, unless you want to, and you never have to worry about your bills being paid, since the steady returns from your secure and growing investments easily cover any expenses you could have).
Wouldn’t you guess that few of us could score such a 10/10 nirvana experience? This article is for the rest of us. Relationship is almost everything in life, since all of life is made up of relationship: with oneself, others, and one’s Source. Yet, money represents life force and investment of time and energy. In many ways we trade our life energy for money. So, we need to respect what goes in to making, protecting, and enjoying money and what it can do for others and us in the way of convenience, creativity, and contribution. So, what if I told you there are ways to improve in both love & money simultaneously?
Close the Gap
What makes us happy? Pleasure! Right (at least over the short-term)? Progress is what really makes us feel happy over the long term. In the love & money game of life, we have both practical and emotionally driven needs that must be met at high levels in order for us to feel like we are joyfully winning in a satisfying way. So, we shall look at both. To achieve progress in finances and relationship you must honestly know where you are, getting clear about where you want to be, and closing the gap between the two step-by-step. The gap gets reduced by removing what’s in the way, designing a workable plan, and taking proven action to hit your target. So, let’s take a look at what could be obstructing your passion and pocketbook, how to remove it, and how to use proven strategies that can realign your relationship with satisfying love and financial progress.
Give What They Need
Everyone has the emotional need for certainty, but one person in relationship may be more predominantly driven by it than another. How much of what you do, don’t do, or get anxious about, stems from your need to feel comfortable or stable (which are other ways to describe feeling certain)? Your need for certainty may be why you don’t change jobs, why you eat unhealthy “comfort” food, procrastinate, or watch way too much TV, none of which may be helping your bank account most effectively.
Each of us has different vehicles through which we meet our need for certainty. One may feel comfort from having a savings or retirement account; another may need to feel safe by having a particular level of income or type of job stability. Knowing what you and your partner need to feel comfortable is vital, because when you don’t feel certain enough, fear can dominate you and your passion will go out the window. Fear can bring difficulty to your communication, create disconnection, and threaten the very stability of your relationship. You may think, “The jerk doesn’t know how to communicate”, when in fact it may just be that he’s afraid. Understanding this can empower you to respond from compassion instead of reacting un-resourcefully. Then, together you will be in a better position to receive ideas, change perceptions, and take necessary or inspired action. As you do, watch how obstructing fears subside, passion increases, and creative ideas to improve your finances get acted on.
Each of us also has a need for loving connection, yet one partner could need this even more than their partner needs certainty. “We could be broke, but if I know we still love each other, I’ll be fine.” Sounds good on paper, but if the partner who has a dominant need for certainty feels out of control economically and thus withdraws affections, and the other partner primarily needs to feel loving connection but doesn’t, the relationship could become stressed to a breaking point over time.
One key to navigating such a love/money challenge is to seek to unselfishly give your partner what they most need, and to do it in a way that they resonate with. For example, provide the certainty they need by telling your mate that you will always be there for them and that you believe they have what it takes to work through their financial trials. In the other case, you might offer love & connection to your intimate other by getting out of your self-concern and giving them words of kindness, physical affection, thoughtful care and supportive actions. While this may not seem like it has much to do with money, consider the fact that studies have shown that sharing a passionate kiss with one’s honey before leaving for work has a considerable positive impact on the annual income of that household.
Having first sought to understand and meet your partner’s needs, it is also important to openly communicate what you need most, and it may be appropriate to ask for the help from both your partner and others. Partners that work together well can overcome huge things financially. In fact, abundance is ever-present. We just need to access it through positive expectation, willingness to bring unexpected & enthusiastic value to others (in ways that make them want more) and massive action using feedback along the way. You can read more about abundance, love, and money in my book, Being Love: 26 Keys to Experiencing Unconditional Love., available on Barnes and Noble and www.BeingLove.net
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Top-Selling Relationship Book Gives New Possibilities for Valentine's Day
Top-Selling Relationship Book Gives New Possibilities for Valentine's Day
Check out the above link to see the article that went to 30,000 journalists, and to preview chapters from Being Love!
Check out the above link to see the article that went to 30,000 journalists, and to preview chapters from Being Love!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Listening For Intimacy
Several years ago a woman called me to get some help on her marriage. After a couple of sessions her husband agreed to come for couples coaching. On the calls it seemed like neither partner practiced listening to the other one effectively. Because of this, neither one felt understood, so conflict seemed to be the way they showed each other that their needs were going unmet. I asked them questions, such as: “Do you know what makes him feel disrespected? Did you ever ask her what she most wants or needs from you? Do you know why it’s important for her to talk about her work?” These questions allowed the couple to access their own inner wisdom, and they realized how much better they could listen to and understand one another. Over a period of several weeks they began to hear and feel one another again, and this simple shift was enough to save their marriage.
Deep listening is an amazing gift to give, and it carries with it a powerful benefit—heartfelt connection. The root of communication means to commune, to be at one with another. One of the most satisfying things about being in a conscious relationship is that we can both speak and feel understood.
In conversation, do you perceive another’s pain, desires, needs, and values? Do you regularly hold a space for others to express their thoughts and emotions or help them discover their truth and inner guidance? If you do, you are likely supporting them toward a greater sense of meaning, love, and healing. People who feel listened to are more willing to be vulnerable, which invites deeper levels of honesty, sharing, and intimacy.
How would you rate the mastery of your listening ability on a scale from one to ten? Have you recently brought tears of love to another just because you made them feel understood? If not, let’s look at a few aspects that can support your listening skills and quality of relationships.
Listen with Presence
To be an outstanding listener, we must give the other person our full attention and interest as if nothing else but him or her matters at that moment. If you would rather be somewhere else or with someone else, the other person will energetically feel it at some level and in that degree disconnect from you. Distracted listening fosters frustration, disrespect, and confusion. Your loving consideration can make that person feel significant, help him to get clear, allow him to connect to his emotions, and discover what he truly believes, values, desires, and fears. Such awareness can allow him to make more workable choices.
Do others feel your love when you are listening? If not, try listening with every cell in your body and not just with your ears. Don’t just hear the words but feel them with your heart or better yet with your entire body as if it was a sponge soaking up the expressions of another.
Listen for Essence
Although it’s extremely important to accurately hear the content of what someone says to us, it is often significantly more important to receive the essence of what’s being said. Essence includes, but is not limited to, the silence between the words; tone of voice, inflection, and genuineness; repeated or emphasized ideas; emotions; why something is being said; and what’s being left out. Essence is around, underneath, and inside the energy of the words.
When your heart is open, you’ll perceive what is being expressed at the heart of another’s words. Seek to understand the feelings, beliefs, needs, fears, pain, and yearnings of the ones you care about. When you perceive that someone is trying to communicate more than he is saying, if appropriate, be willing to ask questions that help to clarify your knowingness. “What I sense you are getting at is …” or “What else do you feel about that?” Then allow the other person the space to discover and reveal deeper levels of his heart and mind. How many times in relationship have you argued with someone about one thing, and when you stopped and truly listened, you realized that it wasn’t even the real issue? Instead of making assumptions as if you already know what the other person is thinking and what their motives and needs are, simply ask.
It will also help you to be aware of the context surrounding another’s words. His context includes the location and conditions from where he is speaking (airport, bedroom, car, with company, etc.) as well as what has gone on or is going on in his life (he started a new relationship, is moving or switching jobs, or has an ill mother). Context and emotion greatly impact what’s actually being shared and why. If you get people’s context and motivation, they’ll feel moved by the way you pay attention.
Ask Powerful Questions
Here are some questions to ask in order to more fully understand the heart of your child, partner, friend, relative, or coworker:
1. What is most important to him right now?
2. What does she yearn for or dream about?
3. What inspires or energizes him, and what takes his energy away?
4. What is her greatest fear, pain, or wound?
5. Why is he experiencing the emotions he is?
6. What allows her to feel safe, and what causes her to close down?
7. What is his pattern when he is scared, tired, or overwhelmed?
8. What restores her, makes her feel easier, or brings her peace?
9. What is his communication style (i.e., visual, auditory, and/or kinesthetic)?
10. What makes her feel most loved (words of appreciation, gifts, quality time given to them, touch, understanding)?
Finally, have fun listening! The quality of your energy is the most important thing you give in communication. You can read about other aspects of listening in my new book: Being Love: 26 Keys to Experiencing Unconditional Love, available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.
Deep listening is an amazing gift to give, and it carries with it a powerful benefit—heartfelt connection. The root of communication means to commune, to be at one with another. One of the most satisfying things about being in a conscious relationship is that we can both speak and feel understood.
In conversation, do you perceive another’s pain, desires, needs, and values? Do you regularly hold a space for others to express their thoughts and emotions or help them discover their truth and inner guidance? If you do, you are likely supporting them toward a greater sense of meaning, love, and healing. People who feel listened to are more willing to be vulnerable, which invites deeper levels of honesty, sharing, and intimacy.
How would you rate the mastery of your listening ability on a scale from one to ten? Have you recently brought tears of love to another just because you made them feel understood? If not, let’s look at a few aspects that can support your listening skills and quality of relationships.
Listen with Presence
To be an outstanding listener, we must give the other person our full attention and interest as if nothing else but him or her matters at that moment. If you would rather be somewhere else or with someone else, the other person will energetically feel it at some level and in that degree disconnect from you. Distracted listening fosters frustration, disrespect, and confusion. Your loving consideration can make that person feel significant, help him to get clear, allow him to connect to his emotions, and discover what he truly believes, values, desires, and fears. Such awareness can allow him to make more workable choices.
Do others feel your love when you are listening? If not, try listening with every cell in your body and not just with your ears. Don’t just hear the words but feel them with your heart or better yet with your entire body as if it was a sponge soaking up the expressions of another.
Listen for Essence
Although it’s extremely important to accurately hear the content of what someone says to us, it is often significantly more important to receive the essence of what’s being said. Essence includes, but is not limited to, the silence between the words; tone of voice, inflection, and genuineness; repeated or emphasized ideas; emotions; why something is being said; and what’s being left out. Essence is around, underneath, and inside the energy of the words.
When your heart is open, you’ll perceive what is being expressed at the heart of another’s words. Seek to understand the feelings, beliefs, needs, fears, pain, and yearnings of the ones you care about. When you perceive that someone is trying to communicate more than he is saying, if appropriate, be willing to ask questions that help to clarify your knowingness. “What I sense you are getting at is …” or “What else do you feel about that?” Then allow the other person the space to discover and reveal deeper levels of his heart and mind. How many times in relationship have you argued with someone about one thing, and when you stopped and truly listened, you realized that it wasn’t even the real issue? Instead of making assumptions as if you already know what the other person is thinking and what their motives and needs are, simply ask.
It will also help you to be aware of the context surrounding another’s words. His context includes the location and conditions from where he is speaking (airport, bedroom, car, with company, etc.) as well as what has gone on or is going on in his life (he started a new relationship, is moving or switching jobs, or has an ill mother). Context and emotion greatly impact what’s actually being shared and why. If you get people’s context and motivation, they’ll feel moved by the way you pay attention.
Ask Powerful Questions
Here are some questions to ask in order to more fully understand the heart of your child, partner, friend, relative, or coworker:
1. What is most important to him right now?
2. What does she yearn for or dream about?
3. What inspires or energizes him, and what takes his energy away?
4. What is her greatest fear, pain, or wound?
5. Why is he experiencing the emotions he is?
6. What allows her to feel safe, and what causes her to close down?
7. What is his pattern when he is scared, tired, or overwhelmed?
8. What restores her, makes her feel easier, or brings her peace?
9. What is his communication style (i.e., visual, auditory, and/or kinesthetic)?
10. What makes her feel most loved (words of appreciation, gifts, quality time given to them, touch, understanding)?
Finally, have fun listening! The quality of your energy is the most important thing you give in communication. You can read about other aspects of listening in my new book: Being Love: 26 Keys to Experiencing Unconditional Love, available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Relationship Seminar
Being Love™ Seminars
Our next event is:
Saturday June 20, 2009 @ 9 am-6pm
Location: Hampton Inn, Altamonte Springs, FL
Participation Fee: $99 All credit cards accepted. Limited seating, so register today!
The majority of people in relationship feel unfulfilled. Plus, there are a growing number of singles who may be wonderful but can't seem to find a great partner. Wonder what it takes to have a fulfilling relationship: To find one, or make the one you’re in not just better, but amazing? Come and experience an all day life-changing relationship event with certified Life Coaches Charlene McLachlan & Mark Petroff. Designed for singles and couples.
Learn how to:
• Deepen your heart presence: as a gift to you and your partner
• Create your ultimate relationship vision
• Meet your and your partner's needs at a level 10
• Enhance polarity and passion between the masculine & feminine
• Master the vital relationship skills
• Experience fun and transforming processes!
Registration: Call Being Love Seminars today @ (407) 429-4390 or
Email your request for seats today to BeingLove@earthlink.net, or
Visit www.LifeCoachMark.com/workshops.html
Our next event is:
Saturday June 20, 2009 @ 9 am-6pm
Location: Hampton Inn, Altamonte Springs, FL
Participation Fee: $99 All credit cards accepted. Limited seating, so register today!
The majority of people in relationship feel unfulfilled. Plus, there are a growing number of singles who may be wonderful but can't seem to find a great partner. Wonder what it takes to have a fulfilling relationship: To find one, or make the one you’re in not just better, but amazing? Come and experience an all day life-changing relationship event with certified Life Coaches Charlene McLachlan & Mark Petroff. Designed for singles and couples.
Learn how to:
• Deepen your heart presence: as a gift to you and your partner
• Create your ultimate relationship vision
• Meet your and your partner's needs at a level 10
• Enhance polarity and passion between the masculine & feminine
• Master the vital relationship skills
• Experience fun and transforming processes!
Registration: Call Being Love Seminars today @ (407) 429-4390 or
Email your request for seats today to BeingLove@earthlink.net, or
Visit www.LifeCoachMark.com/workshops.html
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Love is Appreciating
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. (William James)
Decisions Determine Destiny
A woman, wanting to show love to her husband, prepared a delicious gourmet meal with great effort. While racing to finish setting the table she forgot to wipe up some spilled hollandaise sauce on the kitchen counter. When her husband came home and walked into the kitchen he set down some important papers right on top of the sauce. There relationships is about to change.
Circumstances like this have happen to most of us. Yet, what we do next greatly impacts our relationships. The husband may respond by quietly cleaning his papers while commenting on his wife’s generosity and wonderful culinary preparations. His comments will bring her joy by knowing that she has pleased him and that her efforts were deeply valued. Their intimate bond will be thereby strengthened. An opposite reaction would be that he angrily asks how she couldn’t have noticed the sticky glob on the counter she thoughtlessly left behind. This one self-concerned decision to ignore an opportunity to appreciate her (and instead criticize her) may lead to a night of conflict or disconnection, and perhaps words they both will later wish they had never said. Our moment to moment decisions really do determine the direction and ultimate destiny of our relationships. The heartfelt practice of consistent appreciation is a primary way to put our relationships back on a connecting course.
Costs and Benefits
Is your relationship losing energy and connection because of lack of appreciation? When a partner doesn’t feel valued they begin thinking, “What’s the point?” Living things such as plants cannot survive without nutrients. Likewise relationships cannot thrive without meaning and value which is expressed through the life-supporting nutrient of appreciation. If we miss opportunities and decide not to give gratitude for another, no one may notice. Yet, over the long term there may be a price to pay in the quality of our life and relationships. People around us may begin to feel overworked and undervalued. They will not want to go the extra mile for us. Whether they vocalize it or not, they will sense that they ‘can’t do it good enough’ for us. Closeness and connection will fade. Some of those around us may give up, close down, disconnect, get angry, or look elsewhere for recognition.
Don’t we all want to know we count, that we are valued, that our contributions are meaningful in our home, office, and with our extended family and friends? Certainly it is a basic human need to feel acknowledged and appreciated. Yet, how many of us actually do? And, on a scale of 1 to 10, how effectively do we consistently communicate appreciation to those around us? The quality of our relationships may reveal a gap between how we think we are doing and how we really are. Daily appreciation provides nourishment to a growing relationship that could otherwise become depleted.
People who appreciate us give us inspiration and motivation. They make life more enjoyable, and remind us that we are worthwhile. Our relationship with them is nurtured and strengthened by their attitude and actions. They have an uncanny ability to acknowledge us for who we are instead of who they think we should be. They express positive energy, grace, and an ability to focus on what is valuable in us. They benefit themselves by embodying such loving vibrations. Think of the people you know who embody appreciation as a way of being. What qualities do they express in their words and actions towards you? What kind of difference does this make in your life? What can you learn from their examples? Is there someone in your life that could similarly benefit from your appreciative speech and deeds today?
One of the core human fears is that we may not be enough for others. Smart enough, successful enough, talented enough, good-looking or emotionally fit enough. We believe if we are not enough, we may be rejected and left unloved, and this may feel like I very survival is threatened at some level. When we communicate to others that they are enough, we heal such fears, and we tend to experience ‘enough-ness’ ourselves. Our own heart is expanded with powerful and loving security. Love heals and replaces fear. Connection, giving, openness, awareness, intuition, inspired ideas, and abundant supply flow more freely through a grateful heart. Awareness of the good at hand tends to increase our capacity to recognize and receive more of it. Appreciation can also motivate others to show up for us in ways that may positively surprise us. How simple it is to acknowledge another for who they are to us and how they contribute to us and others!
If you think about it, the ones who call you a friend will likely be the ones whom you appreciate. At any moment in relating to others, we are either drawing them closer to us or pushing them away. Honoring another is an attractive way to validate another’s significance and draw them closer to us. Appreciation can support partners to feel enough meaning and strength to transcend fears and obstacles when life seems difficult, and by working through challenges as true partners the depth of the relationship is more fully empowered. A couple can generate a momentum of giving, since appreciation comes from a giving spirit. How will you be the love which is appreciating today?
Practicing Appreciation
Decisions Determine Destiny
A woman, wanting to show love to her husband, prepared a delicious gourmet meal with great effort. While racing to finish setting the table she forgot to wipe up some spilled hollandaise sauce on the kitchen counter. When her husband came home and walked into the kitchen he set down some important papers right on top of the sauce. There relationships is about to change.
Circumstances like this have happen to most of us. Yet, what we do next greatly impacts our relationships. The husband may respond by quietly cleaning his papers while commenting on his wife’s generosity and wonderful culinary preparations. His comments will bring her joy by knowing that she has pleased him and that her efforts were deeply valued. Their intimate bond will be thereby strengthened. An opposite reaction would be that he angrily asks how she couldn’t have noticed the sticky glob on the counter she thoughtlessly left behind. This one self-concerned decision to ignore an opportunity to appreciate her (and instead criticize her) may lead to a night of conflict or disconnection, and perhaps words they both will later wish they had never said. Our moment to moment decisions really do determine the direction and ultimate destiny of our relationships. The heartfelt practice of consistent appreciation is a primary way to put our relationships back on a connecting course.
Costs and Benefits
Is your relationship losing energy and connection because of lack of appreciation? When a partner doesn’t feel valued they begin thinking, “What’s the point?” Living things such as plants cannot survive without nutrients. Likewise relationships cannot thrive without meaning and value which is expressed through the life-supporting nutrient of appreciation. If we miss opportunities and decide not to give gratitude for another, no one may notice. Yet, over the long term there may be a price to pay in the quality of our life and relationships. People around us may begin to feel overworked and undervalued. They will not want to go the extra mile for us. Whether they vocalize it or not, they will sense that they ‘can’t do it good enough’ for us. Closeness and connection will fade. Some of those around us may give up, close down, disconnect, get angry, or look elsewhere for recognition.
Don’t we all want to know we count, that we are valued, that our contributions are meaningful in our home, office, and with our extended family and friends? Certainly it is a basic human need to feel acknowledged and appreciated. Yet, how many of us actually do? And, on a scale of 1 to 10, how effectively do we consistently communicate appreciation to those around us? The quality of our relationships may reveal a gap between how we think we are doing and how we really are. Daily appreciation provides nourishment to a growing relationship that could otherwise become depleted.
People who appreciate us give us inspiration and motivation. They make life more enjoyable, and remind us that we are worthwhile. Our relationship with them is nurtured and strengthened by their attitude and actions. They have an uncanny ability to acknowledge us for who we are instead of who they think we should be. They express positive energy, grace, and an ability to focus on what is valuable in us. They benefit themselves by embodying such loving vibrations. Think of the people you know who embody appreciation as a way of being. What qualities do they express in their words and actions towards you? What kind of difference does this make in your life? What can you learn from their examples? Is there someone in your life that could similarly benefit from your appreciative speech and deeds today?
One of the core human fears is that we may not be enough for others. Smart enough, successful enough, talented enough, good-looking or emotionally fit enough. We believe if we are not enough, we may be rejected and left unloved, and this may feel like I very survival is threatened at some level. When we communicate to others that they are enough, we heal such fears, and we tend to experience ‘enough-ness’ ourselves. Our own heart is expanded with powerful and loving security. Love heals and replaces fear. Connection, giving, openness, awareness, intuition, inspired ideas, and abundant supply flow more freely through a grateful heart. Awareness of the good at hand tends to increase our capacity to recognize and receive more of it. Appreciation can also motivate others to show up for us in ways that may positively surprise us. How simple it is to acknowledge another for who they are to us and how they contribute to us and others!
If you think about it, the ones who call you a friend will likely be the ones whom you appreciate. At any moment in relating to others, we are either drawing them closer to us or pushing them away. Honoring another is an attractive way to validate another’s significance and draw them closer to us. Appreciation can support partners to feel enough meaning and strength to transcend fears and obstacles when life seems difficult, and by working through challenges as true partners the depth of the relationship is more fully empowered. A couple can generate a momentum of giving, since appreciation comes from a giving spirit. How will you be the love which is appreciating today?
Practicing Appreciation
- Awareness of Blessings: When we focus on the goodness in our life, we tend to experience more of it. Pick a time each day to reflect on all the blessings you have experienced throughout your day. It might have been the friend who called unexpectedly to watch your children, the customer service representative who went the extra mile to solve your problem, or your partner who made your home more relaxing or beautiful to be in.
- Appreciate Yourself: It is difficult to give appreciation to others when we are constantly criticizing ourselves. St. Augustine recognized the human need of feeling special when wrote that God, “…loves each of us, as if there were only one of us.” This week focus on how wonderful you are. On an index card write a list of five of your most significant or beautiful qualities, and recognize how you express them in your own unique way. This list may include your humor, persistence, creativity, or the way that you show care for others. Post this card at home or work or carry it in your purse or wallet, where you can see it regularly to help remind you to appreciate yourself and the divine gifts expressed through and as you.
- Show Appreciation: This week pick two people in your life who may not be feeling your love as much as they could be. Write down some creative ways you could show them more appreciation and be pro-active. You might want to acknowledge the uniqueness of their spiritual pathway and essence, listen to what is important to them, or acknowledge their emotional needs and if appropriate act to meet them. Then notice the positive impact your words or actions have on those same relationships.
For more information, visit: www.LifeCoachMark.com or email them: CSTChar@earthink.net &LifeCoachMark@earthlink.net
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